


Maybe

by Su1010



Category: Given (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Crying, Death, M/M, Suicide, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:07:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26454634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010
Summary: Maybe someday, somewhere, Yuki and Mafuyu's love story would live on.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Kudos: 27





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I cried writing this. Both the anime and the manga broke me and Yuki's death is just something I will never get over. In case you didn't already realise, this is basically about what happened after their argument at the train station.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide and hints of depression
> 
> Enjoy the angst cos there's no fluff

“Would you die for me then?!”

The slip of a sentence said in a moment of rage and haste kept replaying itself in Yuki’s head like a broken record as he trudged home reluctantly. Mafuyu and him had parted ways at the train station earlier without a single word. Yuki didn’t know what he was expecting. An apology? An excuse? Anything but the deafening silence that now enveloped him as snow fell around him.

It was cold. So very cold.

Yuki turned the corner where his apartment was and stood at the entrance of the building for a brief moment, turning his gaze upwards to where snow was falling. His namesake. Yuki meant snow. Mafuyu meant midwinter. 

Yuki laughed, a bitter sound that resonated throughout the quiet neighborhood. God, what was this pain he was feeling so deep within his chest he felt as though he wanted to pull his heart out of his chest cavity? Was it heartbreak? Because it sure felt like his heart was breaking in two.

Walking up the stairs with the guitar on his back weighing more heavily than all the other days he had carried it, Yuki put his key into the lock and opened his door only to be greeted by silence once more. 

Sighing, he put his guitar aside on his bed and went out of the room, heading towards the kitchen. Opening his fridge, he saw the cans of beer his mum had purchased for guests at the side compartment and grabbed three, slamming the door shut with his foot. 

Tugging his jacket off roughly and tossing it onto the couch, Yuki proceeded to open one can and down it all in one go – not giving himself the opportunity to gag at the bitter taste that coated his throat. He couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or the bile but both tasted equally horrible.

Throwing the empty can aside, he grabbed the second one and downed it in a similar manner to the first one. Having never touched a remotely alcoholic beverage in his life before this, he knew his tolerance was low but he couldn’t help it. He wanted something to help him forget. No fuck that. He _needed_ something to help him forget. 

Everything hurt right now. Mafuyu’s heartbroken expression. His harsh words. His eyes. God those beautiful eyes that always gazed at Yuki so tenderly with love had been filled with sheer disgust and hatred and Yuki hated to think that would be the last memory he had of Mafuyu.

A tear rolled down his cheek. Then two. A stream of them flowed down akin to a river and Yuki found himself praying to a God he had never believed in. Yet the only name he was capable of chanting was Mafuyu’s. Over and over and over until he began to sound like a distorted guitar chord when the string had just broken.

His phone rang just then and in the blurry haze, he grasped at it and through his tears, saw Mafuyu’s name plastered across the screen in big, bold letters. He could have laughed at the irony. Mafuyu was the quietest person Yuki knew. Always keeping to himself. He still remembered the first day he had spotted the boy under a tree.

After finding out they were both latchkey kids, they had bonded even more and soon, Hiiragi and Shizusumi were a part of their friend group too. And although Yuki spent most of his time with Mafuyu, he was glad to lean back on Hiiragi and Shizusumi when it came to music.

Which is why when Mafuyu had asked him whether he would leave music for Mafuyu, Yuki had been taken aback. Because to him there was no difference between those two things. Ever since he had known music, he had known Mafuyu too. Every song he wrote had traces of Mafuyu in them. Sometimes in the lyrics, sometimes in the name. Every gig he played was dedicated to the one person he loved the most. Whom he would do anything for.

 _Mafuyu,_ he thought to himself. How did we get to this?

The phone rang once more and Yuki threw it aside, ignoring the loud ringtone which was grating on his ears. He reached for the last can of beer and opened it, looking at the pale liquid resembling the sunlight that often streamed through his bedroom in the mornings. 

On those mornings he frequently awoke to Mafuyu sleeping soundly beside him, the golden rays making him look like an angel. He already was one to Yuki way before that. Now he was alone. And suddenly the loneliness felt like something he couldn’t go through on his own. 

He thought of his dad and how he had left when he was barely three; leaving his mum to raise Yuki alone. Yuki had never forgiven the man; choosing resentment for the rest of his life. But one day when he had asked Mafuyu whether the boy had forgiven his own father, Mafuyu had replied he had, a long time ago.

That was the exact moment Yuki knew he wanted to be by Mafuyu’s side for the rest of his life. Just for the sake of seeing Mafuyu and his kind heart smiling at him when they were together. Somewhere along the line Yuki had fallen in love and he didn’t realise how much he depended on Mafuyu for his happiness. He was alive until this day because Mafuyu had quite literally saved him from the darkness. 

Two lonely kids had found each other in a time where they both needed each other’s company. The loneliness now felt like a noose tightening around Yuki's neck, slowly suffocating him until he could barely breathe.

Yuki gulped down the remaining amber liquid and placed the can on the table, picking up the other two and placing them in a row. But the speed of the fan made one fall down and soon the other two along with them. Much like life, everything else was fragile too, even love. Everything would come to an end anyway.

Yuki slowly got to his feet, clutching the edge of the coffee table for support as he headed into his bedroom. Reaching under his bed, he took out a length of rope that he had stored there for his mum who often used them for her hanging plants around the apartment. The braided material felt rough in his hands when he ran his fingers along it.

Chuckling to himself, he went out and turned off the fan, dragging a chair from the kitchen table to where the fan was. Climbing up slowly and almost falling off, he managed to secure the rope around one of the blades and fashioned the end into a noose, knotting the frayed ends tightly. 

He got back down and stared at the product of his own hands, a sad smile playing on his lips.

Going over to the window, he opened one of them for a while and leaned against the wall, watching the snow fall slowly. Time had seemed to stop for Yoshida Yuki as the boy wondered exactly what there was left living for. He had lost everything. What good was he being alive?

Reaching one hand out, he caught a snowflake in his palm and memorized the pattern in his head. Each edge, each ridge, each incomplete part. Snowflakes were all drastically different from each other – varying in pattern and shape. But there was one thing they shared in common. They couldn’t exist without winter. Because without winter there was no snow. But winter could always survive without snow.

At that moment, Yuki realised the most heartbreaking fact of all. 

“Mafuyu,” he whispered into the cold air, his voice cracking. “You’ve learned to live without me.”

He wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eye and reached into the back pocket of his jeans, getting his wallet out. There was a picture of him and Mafuyu slit into the front compartment. Mafuyu was smiling as he usually did; but Yuki was too and for a moment he couldn’t recognize himself because happiness had always been unknown to him. Even the word tasted foreign on his tongue.

But after Mafuyu, he had learned how to pronounce the word without letting the thorns prick him. It had even become familiar to him. But he had also known heartbreak after Mafuyu, and pain. And the latter was becoming too much – growing a garden of misery in his barren lungs. 

He reached into the compartment and gingerly picked out the polaroid, pressing it between his thumb and forefinger. Holding it close to his heart, he then let it slip from his hands into the cold night and watched it drift away as the wind carried it somewhere new. Maybe someone would find it and their love story would live on forever. Maybe, just maybe.

Closing the window, Yuki went over to where the noose hung loosely and got up on the chair. Putting his head through the space, he let himself think about Mafuyu’s smile for just a brief moment before kicking the chair away.

As he struggled and his legs kicked out to meet nothing but thin air and he struggled to breathe, Yuki still wore the same smile on his face as he had done the day he met Mafuyu for the first time and had fallen in love with the boy whom he would always be in love with. 

Maybe, just maybe, love meant sacrificing yourself for the one you loved.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry 💔


End file.
